March Update

So I realized that I have been lacking on the journaling updates...so while I am enjoying some quality time in my favorite coffee shop I figured it was a good moment to update ya'll with a mass journal on all things Chelsea related...

First off, lent...let me tell you it has been a real eye opener as far as my health is concerned. There are apparently certain types of food and drink that cause depression; well alcohol is one of them. I have a history of depression and actually it affected my mood more than normal. But since I have been away from it I have felt happier and I definitely have more energy. Don't get me wrong I love a cold microbrew and won't stop drinking, I am just aware of the cause it has on my emotions and will be more careful with how I drink.

Second. The housing situation, well it fell through once again. In the end I am really grateful that it didn't work, not because I don't want to move but because the house was turning into a place I wasn't looking forward to living in. Meaning the people were not what I was expecting or hoping for. Since I was about 19, I've wanted to live in a house with a group of Christian women. It has been a deep desire of mine and it is perfect timing this year to start that but this house was turning into a secular house quick. I have a rule that no guys can spend the night; unless they are family. I am not a person who does that or wants to be around that behavior. The reason why is my senior year of college I spent five months in one of my college's theme houses with a group of very liberal women. The girl in the room next to mine always had her boyfriend staying the night; which is against the schools policy. Being the daughter of the man who enforces the rules made it very awkward for me. Not only in a faith based way but I had to hide it from my dad because I didn't want to be "that girl" who told on others to daddy…oie. So never again will I put myself in that situation. Anyway so this new living situation thankfully fell apart because people didn't want to honor that rule. So back to square one which is fine because now the group of women we've put together is passionate about their faith and while I'm not sure they completely agree with my personal rule of no guys staying the night, they respect it. We have set May as the date for looking at houses and then moving at the end of June or the beginning of July. Funny how God knows just what we desire and when the timing will work out for the best. Yea I know He always knew…I just didn't trust in his perfect timing. Which has been more evident since I left college, I just forget a lot! (Painting the house we were supposed to move into…)

Let's see what else...at the beginning of March I had my first official vacation from work. My best friend and I have been planning on going somewhere since probably 2006. So after much planning…wait we didn't plan this till a week before; sigh the glories of a spontaneous life; she and I got to go to La Paz, Mexico together, just the two of us. It was heaven. We got the blessing of staying at my Grampie's home and he spoiled us, which was really unexpected. She and I, literally, from the time we woke up to the time the sun went down sat in lawn chairs by the pool reading, sleeping, chatting, and soaking in as much vitamin D as possible. After some amazing sunsets, we would go up on the roof of the main house and sit under the stars and full moon, and just talk and pray. This was for four days straight, it was the most precious time she and I have ever had together and we have had some wonderful times together. It was perfect timing for both of us. We both needed to get away and distress because the men in our lives were causing an emotional mess. We both said that it was easier to just sit and think rather than do…which is all we did on our vacation.

(Rachael and I in Mexico)>>>

On my way back from La Paz, I got stuck in SeaTac, which was about as fun as watching paint dry…so it wasn't that bad but it was a long wait which I don't mind because I have a secret love for airports. While I was there I just started to write what I saw…in my own way it became a poem or ode to traveling. I thought I'd share:

People.

Busy with thoughts.

Thoughts of home.

Loved ones to laugh with.

Deaths to overcome.

Sleep to regain when the moment is right.

Lost in a sea of baggage and names of unknown destinations.

Anxiety. Excitement.

Resentment. Frustration.

Comfort is far from obtainable unless you're first.

Knowing destinations patiently wait.

Some alone. Most together. Loved.

Alike.

Not really alone anymore.

Tired eyes linger too long.

Someone laughs and you remember times when life was simple and laughter got you through.

Stories being shared of what's to come or what may have been.

An unnoticed crew hurries by, a rehearsed dance through the crowed masses.

An elderly man looks up from his reading to glance at the women he cherishes with a lifetime of love.

So gently kept a secret of love.

12/3/09

The day after I got back from Mexico my church at a retreat called, connecting with your inner monk. It was the first retreat that they had put on since the start of the Journey. I wonder why they haven't done more, because it was amazing, and a great way for the group to bond with people that we may never have had the chance to meet other wise. I really enjoyed getting to know new people. I am one of those people who like to be in a place of leadership so that I can reach out to new people and make them feel welcome. I love to be different and sometimes leadership has a tendency to clump together with the ones they know and not reach out. I know from personal experience that it's not fun to walk into a new place and have no body reach out to you in anyway. That happened a lot when I was searching for a new church, even at the one I go to. So I don't want people to ever feel like they aren't welcome…I am not by any means perfect at it and there are some days that I don't feel like reaching out at all and I don't. I sure try though. Well geeze that was a tangent…back to the retreat. So anyway it was powerful to just be still, and spend meals in silence and really quiet my voice to listen to God. I went home feeling more at peace inside.

On the missionary front, I know God already laid it on my heart to be involved in orphanages when I went to the Urbana conference in 2006. I have struggled with making that a reality. Romania continues to fail me…so now it's time to find someplace else to pursue. A recent conversation I had with my friend Kris, about when her mom and sis went to Guatemala and worked in an orphanage a couple years ago brought about both of us talking seriously about going. We would take a month leave of absences from work and go work in the orphanage for that whole month. It excites me to think that this really could be something that God would call me to do for Him. I want to serve and a whole month of living in Guatemala playing, singing, teaching, laughing with kids who need so much love sounds like a fantastic time. I am of course bringing it fully before God and seeking His heart on the matter. I know that God will guide me to whatever he has planned. I will go wherever He calls.

I think that's it for this week at least. Keep praying for guidance!

A letter to you...

To the men who have broken what should have been cherished,

I let myself believe that you could be someone. That it meant you’d be around and that you would make the effort to be a great friend and an even better man. However brief our moments were, your heart showed such care for me at one time. And now without words you’ve said more than I could imagine one heart could speak to another.

I thought I could trust; I really did.

Your genuine heart, the real you that shined back at me when we were just being us, was only to be hidden by fear. You’re passionate changing heart for God is transparent. But changing just one piece of who we are isn’t the only change He requests from us. We remain selfish beings when we avoid our mistakes. And letting my heart get away with too much was my mistake. It happened and I didn't even notice till the hurt hit me in the face.

It wasn't real; please let it not be real.

If it was real then the pain could go deeper; it will go deep. To hurt from an authentic love is breaking down an already bruised heart. How does authentic love remain blind, when the viewer doesn’t see you beyond the fear that enraptures the heart?

Always,

Authentic Lover

Just like falling in love

In less than thirty minutes I will be 24; that is a strange thought. Me 24 really, where did the time go? I can't even believe how fast my life is going. I think back to last year and life was VERY different and kind of sad. I was alone in a lot of ways. And then life hit a block and God pursued my heart and helped me stand again. He has been faithful to my hurt being healed and brought people into my world that are better than expected.

I have been to hell and back in my life time but through it all coming back to God and letting him take control has made life joyful every time. From the pits of my own disparaging pity parties to falling without a net God has been holding, carrying, crying, and wishing for me...me? How am I even worthy of all of his love? And now, a joyful blanket of endless possibilities has surrounded my life because I choose again to give my life to God every day. I have a life that is certainly not perfect; it’s messy with real emotions.

A couple weeks ago I made the choice to not wallow in my depression and take more time to rely on God. I was really lonely, like dark hole lonely. I let my feelings get in the way of life; living because I am waiting for something to happen is not the way to trust God’s timing. I got lost not only because I allowed myself to lose sight of God, I depended on human love to get me through. God heard my prayers and saw my tears and brought an unexpected wonderful friend into my world. Unexpected, perfect timing, faithful God. At times I forget God and my history, and how he continues to show me he is faithful to my heart’s desire. He truly knows me better then I know myself. I didn’t even realize that I needed a friend as badly as I did, and through a strange experience he provided someone to shine God’s love back into my life.

So on a random note, way back in November an opening in a friend’s house came up and I had the chance to move. Well that fell through big time. Disappointing…yes?! But the whole time my friend and I were talking about it I kept getting this feeling in my gut that it wasn’t the right time; I was supposed to “wait and pray”…where have I heard that before?! *can you feel me rolling my eyes* Anyway it was a huge bummer because I had built it up to be this great new adventure and didn’t really listen when God put up road blocks. Well apparently I was waiting for this new friend to come along. And since our friendship started we have been seriously talking about putting together a house with a bunch of women. We went and looked at a house two days ago in Lake O and loved it. It’s humble but nice enough to call a home. It feels like everything is falling into place, once again the way God has planned it since I moved to Portland. It is a bittersweet thing to think about moving. I love my apartment, it has been my home for over a year and I have been through a lot already in these four walls. But when it’s time to follow and let go, it’s best to let God lead. If this does happen then it will happen fast, like end of the month fast. Which means I have to pack up my full apartment into another u-haul and drive it across town and unpack again…it’s like being in college. Packing was and always will be my least favorite part of my college experience. All this to say that life changes in a moment when you need it the most and when God asks us to trust; which is technically always but it feels particularly pertinent in moments such as this.

Oh and on another random note…I am falling in love with Portland again. I am rediscovering why I first loved this place, and all the little quirks that make it home. I can’t imagine my life could be spent in a more beautiful place. I love that it’s my home, that I know where to go and how I can help new people find places as well. I love that I can go 20 minutes out of town and be in some amazing hiking areas or drive two hours to the beach if I want a different scene. I love that people are who they are and we accept each other as we come no matter how weird that may be. “Oh, that’s just Portland.” I love that one night I can dress up for a nice dinner, the next night I can find an awesome music scene and the next night find a sweet overlook of the city to chill at with friend. I know you can find those in every city but if you are from Portland you get the uniqueness this city brings to each of those activities.