Self Talk.

On my way home from work today; listening to sweet, sweet country tunes rolling from my radio, just driving for the sake of driving; not really in a hurry to get home; I had some deep thoughts. Just to give background to my deep thought moments and to bare an embarrassing but extremely laughable trait I seem to forget in public; when I have a deep thought that I want to work out, I talk to myself...out loud, with my hands and facial expressions too. Now in a car it's not bad because it most likely just looks like I am talking on a hands-free cell, but on the rare occasion that I am walking around town or as I found out today sitting in my jumpseat on the plane, I will start this "self talk," until it occurs to me people might become curious of my mental health. Not a particular trait I want to be associated with especially in my career. Can you imagine having a crazed flight attendant, caring for your safety in a crash; not a pretty picture. Anyway, me driving home, tunes rollin; a song starts about being too late to capture the princess' heart because the prince didn't cherish her the way she deserved. So this of course starts me thinking about a topic that has set up residency in my brain since I was six years old (I kid you not about begin six when my developing brain noticed that first blue eyed, blonde haired little boy from across the playground and proceeded to chase him in a successful race to catch and kiss him.). Which brought me to a recent discussion with my best friend about how much we are both very sick of men acting stupid, when they're not really that stupid it just feels like they have a fear of...whatever eccentric thoughts cross their minds when they think of relationships. And also how worthy we are of begin pursued but we let ourselves fall for idiots who take us for granted, than get bored, and ultimately leave us feeling mystified about the truth behind their idiosyncratic idea of love. All this in turn took me into thoughts of a future marriage. Intimidating. I have been thinking about it because I am almost 24 and have no significant relationships that would ever be considered worthy of long term. And now I look back on those previous relationships with the male gender and am sorely disappointed with the effort to cherish my heart. All in the same breath I can say I am so grateful they didn’t sweep me off my keester because most of them suck; yes suck, majorly and though their ages range from 20 to 30 they all need to grow up! So now giving serious thought to the type of marriage I want and although I have been taught that marriage is a partnership created by God not just loving another person, I lost sight of that. It’s like begin in the fog in San Francisco where you can kind of see your surroundings and when you find a clear object, you focus on that because it’s easy and less threatening. That’s when the big picture gets tunneled into fear. I think marriage is wonderful; something I have longed for all my life and now it’s something I am willing to wait for because I want someone who will help me with my faith. Not just someone who will love me because I take his breath away but because he wants to seek God with me. Had I ever thought about how it isn’t just about them or the physical attraction, I probably would not have been so eager to be with them or even worked so hard to get their attention. The harsh reality I am coming into contact with over and over is that these guys weren’t interested enough to hold out and work for it. Ouch. Back in college an old friend and I had a song called, “Holding out for the Hero.” Recently he emailed me and ended his email with something similar, he told me to, "hold out for that hero". And as much as that was a reference to our past friendship it was a comment to be patient. Annnd as much as I listen very little, if at all to what this old friend says, it’s from a heart that cares for me and I do want to hold out. Marriage is coming someday, period. That’s it, there doesn’t need to be more analysis or excuses for why I can’t trust God to bring about the thing he knows that I’m longing for the most.

Quirky thoughts.

So I'm sitting in my bed...awake...at 0130. Not happy. I went out to dinner with a friend; which by the way was at the most adorable resturaunt, Ken's Artisan Pizza, highly recommended; and like an idiot had a big cup of coffee. I was thinking that because my coffee drinking habits have never caused jitters before that it wouldn't make a difference to my nerves. Nope...I was so wrong. I had that coffee and then a pot of tea about an hour later at the Pied Cow, and I am still buzzing from it. Arrrrg! Next time I won't be so cocky.

So today I had a random thought about how many people I pay to touch me.

I know it sounds dirty, cross my fingers...it's not. I got my hair cut today, and as I was getting my hair washed it hit me how awkward the situation really was and yet it's very normal. Picture this: Me, in one of those reclining salon chairs, head in the wash bowl and some woman; who I don't know even know the name of; is massaging my head with soap...very odd. And she's not saying a word either. It's not easy to make me feel uncomfortable in those type of situations but the thought of how intimate that act is really got to me. Then I started to think about other instances where people that never introduce themselves touch me in strange ways...(again not meant dirty!). Like when you go to the dentist, that hygenist has her fingers in your mouth. And as weird as this is, I enjoy going to the dentist. I'm not thinking about that it's sanitary or whatever, I know its sanitary. It's just an odd thing to have someone else digging around in my mouth and I am paying them to do so. What is up with that? Oh also when you go to the doctor. Man, when they check your breathing with the sethascope...frickin' brrrr. You know what I mean, I know you do. Also other doctor wanderings, details are just not necessary. But you get the picture, and to think all of these people, we pay, to touch us intimately are just apart of life.

What I see inside

I know this about myself I fall in and out of love easily and when it ends I can get up again with, for the most part minimal bruising. But usually it’s just superficial love, not a real; get dirty, fight for it, kind of love that changes you. Real love breaks us of who we are; than love can grow out of it to make both people stronger in God. If that love is lost you know it, that deep down that something has been misplaced and you can’t love again till you recapture the lost. Until you find that crack of innocent love that broke you of yourself in the beginning, it seems unbearable to try and find that again or even recapture each other’s heart if the door has been closed due to hurt. If you can’t bring that love out of the other person’s heart you’re still different, still changed by who they are. If you have to wait on God’s timing does it lose its luster or can love hold on to what it makes us. Could love strengthen because of time if it feels lost? When my heart continues to hear, “Wait and pray; continue to release your hopes, fears, and nervous impatience’s about him to me. Trust in me,” is that from a selfish wishing heart or real true words from God. When we feel changed by love, I believe that the other person can see that in themselves as well, even if they don’t know what it is yet. That love will bring out a new part of who they’re made to be. We change when we find God so wouldn’t we change when we find the person who is made to give us a glimpse of that deepest love. I’m not sure if love hits us like a hundred ton truck or if it’s slow in an unexpected surprises kind of way. I do know that it just makes sense when you find that person; reason fades because it’s where you are supposed to be and who is supposed to be there with you.

This also goes along in relation with God, when we stumble over ourselves or others something is lost; more innocence’s is captured into the heart of the destroyer, filling open arms becomes empty. We know something is gone. That love, our heart beckons from doesn’t have effect or say in the daily. Sometimes we see evidence of misplace love and want to reconnect with our hearts cry. When we miss a piece of our heart and soul it knows, whether on the surface or deep underneath the anger and pain, it’s there, waiting to be filled with broken abandon.

“More than anything,

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,

You never need to carry more than you can hold,

And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,

I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too.”

My Wish
-By Rascal Flatts-

Much needed vacation.

So I just got back from Hawaii a few days ago. It was perfect timing. I spent from the 22nd to the 2nd working; with one day off; which I was fully aware when I applied that I would be working over the holidays. I didn't expect to work eleven days and actually be away from home. It was a long couple weeks but you know it was worth it to be able to work my ass off to get people home to their loved ones. So anyway much needed vacation time was in the works and I made it happen.

I went to Kaua'i, Hawaii without friends, without family, just me. It was like learning to breath, seeing such a beautiful place for the first time and needing that time with God made it all the more special. I felt a bit nervous going any where by myself, and really unsure of how I was going to get around without a car. On my six hour flight from the mainland I realized that God had made it possible for me to get on a flight to Hawaii, so He is perfectly capable of providing for me while I was away. I was not alone. I spent hours laying in the sun just enjoying being happy again. I also rediscovered my passion for God and how much I am loved by Him even when I fall short.

Here is an excerpt from my journal:

I am rediscovering how loved I am by God. This place has brought a peace that I haven't felt in a while. Just to sit and be in God's beauty is a blessing. To be quiet without all the daily noise of life, soaking it all in. To be alone here has been both scary and freeing. I am capable of doing things like this and loving it as well. I feel like I haven't breathed deeply in a long time and this has brought breath back into my soul.

I also wrote a poem just in the moment of enjoying my freedom:

Quiet Traveler

The waves of my soul dance,

Breath to ease a weary traveler.

When quiet rages a calm encounters peace.

To listen with a full heart,

Hear this voice so sweetly call,

Keep chasing that sky,

so deeply set,

Watch breezes move on tiptoe,

enclosed by arms open wide.

(1/6/2009)

It was a spetacular time to reconnect with my thoughts and God. God provided to fullness of His promises.

Being enough...

I have spent the last couple weeks struggling through much disappoinment and far too many thoughts to sort out. But you know during all this stuff the one thing that I could depend on was God. He is trying to show me that he is enough and will always be enough. He is enough. That is a statement that I can't seem to get my head wrapped around. To see Him for all He is and to trust that everything comes back to Him. Not my family, not romance, not my friends, and certainly not my job. I have yet to see my full brokenness in this situation and am scared to face it for fear I may not get back up. Nobody wants to go through the awkwardness of life or the disappointment that comes with it at the time. And yet we must all fall before our King and be broken before we can be healed and stand again. My walk with Jesus has been anything but ordinary, and far from comfortable. And in the last couple weeks it has been uncomfortable and some interesting frustrations along with it.

And you know what God is always enough, the deepth of His love for me is beyond the romancing of this earth. Just thoughts for a world that is hurting...