Life for the last while...

So I came across a friends facebook site and saw he had recently posted a blog, it reminded me that I too have one but had completely forgotten about it. Life has been insane in the last month so I haven't really made time to journal about my oh so exciting life.

I guess the most recent big news; which has now come and gone; was that my company was overstaffed and put out a letter of furlough; or lay-offs; in the middle of last month. The rumor of furlough had been going around for awhile before they even made it offical in writing. But the offical word came out about a month ago, saying that they were going to furlough 25 people. At that point I was 17th from the bottom. And then they offered eaarly retirement and taking voluntary furlough and people actually took them. So thank God I get to keep my job!

So offically I have a new apartment and new roommate. Its been obviously a long time coming...good God thank you for a place to live! Its an amazing place with a lot of luxuries that I've never had before...and don't technically need but I guess once in our lives we can experience the fun side of a living space.

Other then that not much has happened...life is okay, just busy busy busy! Until next time...:)

Beautifully and wonderfully made!

A new life entered the world this morning at 1:41am; Hazyl Storlie.

A dear friend asked me to be a part of the birth; I felt honored just to be asked. And even more grateful to be there the moment this precious life came into this world.

What a crazy experience to see a friend bring forth life. To watch her struggle and cry out in pain but once that little one was in her arms the whole world faded away. Nothing else matter just this baby. Hazyl is one of the most beautiful babies I have ever seen…and straight from the womb too. I may have a bit of a bias but I don't care.

It made me see how beautiful and present God is. He was there, cheering my friend on, rejoicing when Hazyl cried her first small sweet cry, and resting in our midst. I have seen so many amazing sites in this world and all of them pointed to God but not the same as a new baby in its first minutes. The way my friend looked at that baby and the way her daddy held her was another image of how God looks at us, at me. We are His precious daughters and sons; for whom He is looking at with such adoration we can't even imagine it.

Anyway it was beautiful and I had to share!

For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.

My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your
book were written, every one of them,

the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.

~Psalm 139: 14-15~

My Waiting Room.

Last Sunday my pastor talked about being in "God's waiting room." Boy did that hit home, but in an unexpected way. Since August of last year I have felt clearly from God to, "Wait and Pray." For what, I have no idea. The unexpected part is that I got an answer to a prayer that I haven't had any answers to so far.

I am sure some of you have heard me say that I feel like there is nothing I'm working for; like this is the first time in my life that I haven't been working towards something big. It’s an unfamiliar place to be in, even uncomfortable at times. The thing I have been wrestling with lately is not the unfamiliarity of it because it’s fairly familiar now, but if it’s okay for me to just be content in my waiting. A lot of times in my quiet moments I've found myself thinking about how happy I am and wondering if it’s okay or if there is more. Is it okay to be content in the now, while not working for more?! I didn't for the life of me know, and funny thing is that I had to realize that I didn't need to know the answer before God placed a concrete answer in my path.

Vicariously through the talk on Sunday I got my answer in a nonchalant way. It's okay to be content just not idol in my waiting. If I just let the waiting become a time of sitting around than I will be in this mindset for a long time. I won't change and in turn won't change the world. I will remain as I am right now, maybe with a few changes learned from life experience. Being in the waiting room is not about being idol it’s about preparation for God's journey for each individual. I can't move forward in my own God gifted journey until I grow and learn in my waiting. I am by no means good at this waiting, I am impatient and stubborn but I can say that I am learning. I will continue to learn from God and get to know Him. And someday my waiting will be finished and then...

I do know that if I continue to choose to faithfully move forward I will reap the benefit of drawing closer to the heart of God and creating a lasting friendship with Him. If I don't, and choose to be selfish; which I am, a lot; because I think what I am doing is better, I'll continue to be disappointed in myself and by others. Honestly I haven't yet taken my learning seriously up to this point mostly because I am scared of what will change. What if I'll lose friends, my job, my church, mostly my family and myself? Then again who am I to know what is best! Some days I can barely tie my own shoes and yet I am a daughter of the Most High who cares for my concerns more than I do.

"Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!"

-Psalm 27:14-

March Update

So I realized that I have been lacking on the journaling updates...so while I am enjoying some quality time in my favorite coffee shop I figured it was a good moment to update ya'll with a mass journal on all things Chelsea related...

First off, lent...let me tell you it has been a real eye opener as far as my health is concerned. There are apparently certain types of food and drink that cause depression; well alcohol is one of them. I have a history of depression and actually it affected my mood more than normal. But since I have been away from it I have felt happier and I definitely have more energy. Don't get me wrong I love a cold microbrew and won't stop drinking, I am just aware of the cause it has on my emotions and will be more careful with how I drink.

Second. The housing situation, well it fell through once again. In the end I am really grateful that it didn't work, not because I don't want to move but because the house was turning into a place I wasn't looking forward to living in. Meaning the people were not what I was expecting or hoping for. Since I was about 19, I've wanted to live in a house with a group of Christian women. It has been a deep desire of mine and it is perfect timing this year to start that but this house was turning into a secular house quick. I have a rule that no guys can spend the night; unless they are family. I am not a person who does that or wants to be around that behavior. The reason why is my senior year of college I spent five months in one of my college's theme houses with a group of very liberal women. The girl in the room next to mine always had her boyfriend staying the night; which is against the schools policy. Being the daughter of the man who enforces the rules made it very awkward for me. Not only in a faith based way but I had to hide it from my dad because I didn't want to be "that girl" who told on others to daddy…oie. So never again will I put myself in that situation. Anyway so this new living situation thankfully fell apart because people didn't want to honor that rule. So back to square one which is fine because now the group of women we've put together is passionate about their faith and while I'm not sure they completely agree with my personal rule of no guys staying the night, they respect it. We have set May as the date for looking at houses and then moving at the end of June or the beginning of July. Funny how God knows just what we desire and when the timing will work out for the best. Yea I know He always knew…I just didn't trust in his perfect timing. Which has been more evident since I left college, I just forget a lot! (Painting the house we were supposed to move into…)

Let's see what else...at the beginning of March I had my first official vacation from work. My best friend and I have been planning on going somewhere since probably 2006. So after much planning…wait we didn't plan this till a week before; sigh the glories of a spontaneous life; she and I got to go to La Paz, Mexico together, just the two of us. It was heaven. We got the blessing of staying at my Grampie's home and he spoiled us, which was really unexpected. She and I, literally, from the time we woke up to the time the sun went down sat in lawn chairs by the pool reading, sleeping, chatting, and soaking in as much vitamin D as possible. After some amazing sunsets, we would go up on the roof of the main house and sit under the stars and full moon, and just talk and pray. This was for four days straight, it was the most precious time she and I have ever had together and we have had some wonderful times together. It was perfect timing for both of us. We both needed to get away and distress because the men in our lives were causing an emotional mess. We both said that it was easier to just sit and think rather than do…which is all we did on our vacation.

(Rachael and I in Mexico)>>>

On my way back from La Paz, I got stuck in SeaTac, which was about as fun as watching paint dry…so it wasn't that bad but it was a long wait which I don't mind because I have a secret love for airports. While I was there I just started to write what I saw…in my own way it became a poem or ode to traveling. I thought I'd share:

People.

Busy with thoughts.

Thoughts of home.

Loved ones to laugh with.

Deaths to overcome.

Sleep to regain when the moment is right.

Lost in a sea of baggage and names of unknown destinations.

Anxiety. Excitement.

Resentment. Frustration.

Comfort is far from obtainable unless you're first.

Knowing destinations patiently wait.

Some alone. Most together. Loved.

Alike.

Not really alone anymore.

Tired eyes linger too long.

Someone laughs and you remember times when life was simple and laughter got you through.

Stories being shared of what's to come or what may have been.

An unnoticed crew hurries by, a rehearsed dance through the crowed masses.

An elderly man looks up from his reading to glance at the women he cherishes with a lifetime of love.

So gently kept a secret of love.

12/3/09

The day after I got back from Mexico my church at a retreat called, connecting with your inner monk. It was the first retreat that they had put on since the start of the Journey. I wonder why they haven't done more, because it was amazing, and a great way for the group to bond with people that we may never have had the chance to meet other wise. I really enjoyed getting to know new people. I am one of those people who like to be in a place of leadership so that I can reach out to new people and make them feel welcome. I love to be different and sometimes leadership has a tendency to clump together with the ones they know and not reach out. I know from personal experience that it's not fun to walk into a new place and have no body reach out to you in anyway. That happened a lot when I was searching for a new church, even at the one I go to. So I don't want people to ever feel like they aren't welcome…I am not by any means perfect at it and there are some days that I don't feel like reaching out at all and I don't. I sure try though. Well geeze that was a tangent…back to the retreat. So anyway it was powerful to just be still, and spend meals in silence and really quiet my voice to listen to God. I went home feeling more at peace inside.

On the missionary front, I know God already laid it on my heart to be involved in orphanages when I went to the Urbana conference in 2006. I have struggled with making that a reality. Romania continues to fail me…so now it's time to find someplace else to pursue. A recent conversation I had with my friend Kris, about when her mom and sis went to Guatemala and worked in an orphanage a couple years ago brought about both of us talking seriously about going. We would take a month leave of absences from work and go work in the orphanage for that whole month. It excites me to think that this really could be something that God would call me to do for Him. I want to serve and a whole month of living in Guatemala playing, singing, teaching, laughing with kids who need so much love sounds like a fantastic time. I am of course bringing it fully before God and seeking His heart on the matter. I know that God will guide me to whatever he has planned. I will go wherever He calls.

I think that's it for this week at least. Keep praying for guidance!

A letter to you...

To the men who have broken what should have been cherished,

I let myself believe that you could be someone. That it meant you’d be around and that you would make the effort to be a great friend and an even better man. However brief our moments were, your heart showed such care for me at one time. And now without words you’ve said more than I could imagine one heart could speak to another.

I thought I could trust; I really did.

Your genuine heart, the real you that shined back at me when we were just being us, was only to be hidden by fear. You’re passionate changing heart for God is transparent. But changing just one piece of who we are isn’t the only change He requests from us. We remain selfish beings when we avoid our mistakes. And letting my heart get away with too much was my mistake. It happened and I didn't even notice till the hurt hit me in the face.

It wasn't real; please let it not be real.

If it was real then the pain could go deeper; it will go deep. To hurt from an authentic love is breaking down an already bruised heart. How does authentic love remain blind, when the viewer doesn’t see you beyond the fear that enraptures the heart?

Always,

Authentic Lover

Just like falling in love

In less than thirty minutes I will be 24; that is a strange thought. Me 24 really, where did the time go? I can't even believe how fast my life is going. I think back to last year and life was VERY different and kind of sad. I was alone in a lot of ways. And then life hit a block and God pursued my heart and helped me stand again. He has been faithful to my hurt being healed and brought people into my world that are better than expected.

I have been to hell and back in my life time but through it all coming back to God and letting him take control has made life joyful every time. From the pits of my own disparaging pity parties to falling without a net God has been holding, carrying, crying, and wishing for me...me? How am I even worthy of all of his love? And now, a joyful blanket of endless possibilities has surrounded my life because I choose again to give my life to God every day. I have a life that is certainly not perfect; it’s messy with real emotions.

A couple weeks ago I made the choice to not wallow in my depression and take more time to rely on God. I was really lonely, like dark hole lonely. I let my feelings get in the way of life; living because I am waiting for something to happen is not the way to trust God’s timing. I got lost not only because I allowed myself to lose sight of God, I depended on human love to get me through. God heard my prayers and saw my tears and brought an unexpected wonderful friend into my world. Unexpected, perfect timing, faithful God. At times I forget God and my history, and how he continues to show me he is faithful to my heart’s desire. He truly knows me better then I know myself. I didn’t even realize that I needed a friend as badly as I did, and through a strange experience he provided someone to shine God’s love back into my life.

So on a random note, way back in November an opening in a friend’s house came up and I had the chance to move. Well that fell through big time. Disappointing…yes?! But the whole time my friend and I were talking about it I kept getting this feeling in my gut that it wasn’t the right time; I was supposed to “wait and pray”…where have I heard that before?! *can you feel me rolling my eyes* Anyway it was a huge bummer because I had built it up to be this great new adventure and didn’t really listen when God put up road blocks. Well apparently I was waiting for this new friend to come along. And since our friendship started we have been seriously talking about putting together a house with a bunch of women. We went and looked at a house two days ago in Lake O and loved it. It’s humble but nice enough to call a home. It feels like everything is falling into place, once again the way God has planned it since I moved to Portland. It is a bittersweet thing to think about moving. I love my apartment, it has been my home for over a year and I have been through a lot already in these four walls. But when it’s time to follow and let go, it’s best to let God lead. If this does happen then it will happen fast, like end of the month fast. Which means I have to pack up my full apartment into another u-haul and drive it across town and unpack again…it’s like being in college. Packing was and always will be my least favorite part of my college experience. All this to say that life changes in a moment when you need it the most and when God asks us to trust; which is technically always but it feels particularly pertinent in moments such as this.

Oh and on another random note…I am falling in love with Portland again. I am rediscovering why I first loved this place, and all the little quirks that make it home. I can’t imagine my life could be spent in a more beautiful place. I love that it’s my home, that I know where to go and how I can help new people find places as well. I love that I can go 20 minutes out of town and be in some amazing hiking areas or drive two hours to the beach if I want a different scene. I love that people are who they are and we accept each other as we come no matter how weird that may be. “Oh, that’s just Portland.” I love that one night I can dress up for a nice dinner, the next night I can find an awesome music scene and the next night find a sweet overlook of the city to chill at with friend. I know you can find those in every city but if you are from Portland you get the uniqueness this city brings to each of those activities.

40 days.

So I have decided that for lent I am giving up alcohol. I had an interesting experience with drinking a little bit ago and I embarrassed myself to the point that I feel like giving up alcohol would be a good choice. It has never been a big part of my life but I do go out for drinks probably once a week with friends so we'll see how this goes.

3.4.09
I started writing this at the beginning of lent and it has been a week since I gave alcohol up. I never realized that it would be hard not to drink when I go out for dinner or out with friends. It makes me see that it is apart of my life more than I thought. I don't have an addictive personality or alcoholism in my family...I think, so no worries that it would affect me in that way. When I was little I used to say that I wouldn't drink anything even after 21; that changed when I actually did turn 21. But that isn't a big deal in any way, I just see now how much I like it.

What's to come?!

I feel free. Free from living bound to the idea that I won't be fully happy till I find someone to marry. I am so done being unhappy without a man. Even if it's a deep desire it doesn't ever compare to what I can do with God. If I can't express my whole self with any guy and he doesn't want to share his world with me but I can with God every time then I need to learn to choose God. I want to go on some crazy, life-altering, blessed, adventures with God's leading in mind! Its okay that I am in a time of waiting because it gives me time to strengthen my faith and heart. I will be a light to the world that God has created for me now, not tomorrow. I have been blessed with a life set-apart; which I forgot so easily because I didn't think I had answers. I don't need answers I just need to trust. I am going to jump back into life with both feet. Maybe my last words but I guess that's the only way we really live and figure out what God's adventure is.

Un.tied Beauty

Sigh.

I have come to a place in my life where I am no longer working for some kind of event. It is very boring. I feel frustrated with myself that I continue to hit walls as far as finding some kind of direction. God has been faithful to my hearts desires and to things I couldn't fix without him. I have spent many years struggling with rejection, which God has been faithful to continually heal. I realized recently that it is still a deep set fear of mine. It doesn't control me, it helps me be brave. But this rejection has been keeping me from pursuing a set-apart life; just in case it doesn't work out. Which is unrealistic because God has never led me to something that has failed. When I failed it was because I didn't listen or follow His lead. Also as I have watched many, many friends and family go into the world to be missionaries and they have succeeded because God lead and they were brave. Yes, going away from all the "comforts" of life; particularly family and friends; is scary and it's a risk but when has faith ever been easy and comfortable?! I honestly could leave everything I have, all worldly possessions, my family and friends if a door opened to serve...honest. I have spent the last few weeks thinking it over and the truth is I am empty when I'm not serving others; especially when its mission work. I am blessed with a job that allows me to serve people in many ways, don't get me wrong it is fulfilling. Yet it's not what my hearts passion is seeking. I want more, more experience, more joyful praise...more of God.

I know that I continue to struggle to hear Him over my own choices. The good thing is that nobody's perfect and God still loves me in spite of that. I hope that God continues to guide my life in a more concrete way and soon. Until then I will find my way back to Him because my backsliding is causing doubts that I know aren't real. It's causing depression that I really don't want to revisit. I am also praying for something to give up for Lent, I really think giving something up will draw me closer to God and who I am in Him. In fact I know it will because it will cause me to seek God...maybe out of boredom...or guilt...or curiosity, whatever the case it will draw me to the heart of God which is what I am desiring the most.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."
Jeremiah 29:11-13

Heart on My Sleeve Day...

Today...yeah.

Supposed to be a day of love and sharing with someone "special," or if you are me and most of my friends it’s "Single Awareness Day". Sounds depressing, and rightfully so with all the hype to be with someone for today to be special at all. Well so what, why do we need someone to make today good?! Sure I would be lying if I said I didn't want to celebrate it with a guy. And even then I don't want to share it with just some guy, I honestly would like to save it for the guy I will spend my life with. It just seems wasted if it's with a temporary guy particularly since the memories you make with that person might taint the day for a later guy. I don't want to taint such an awesome day. Not that it's awesome yet. Bummer.

The truth is, I wish that I had a sign of affection from a guy, telling me that he is thinking about me.

Someday.

Until that day I do know I am loved. And sometimes that is enough. Just to know that no matter what I do, my family loves me unconditionally. And even more so God loves me more than any guy ever could. It's something I must continue to hold on to. And to trust that God is preparing a life set apart for me and a wonderful guy. I really am ready to change the world for God and do that with my whole heart committed to Him. And have a man walking beside me, helping, praying, leading, and willing to go on God's adventure set apart for us.

God has His perfect timing, which He has already showed to me more than expected in the last couple years. Last summer I was so tapped into God's heart and just knew without question that I needed to "wait and pray" for His timing. I felt so sure of everything and it unfolded better than I thought. Now I'm not so sure anymore. I have no idea what I am supposed to do from this point with my life. I want to hold out for more answers especially where guys are concerned but I am done waiting for that day. I know who I want and why although he has given no reason for me to hold out; I know I want to try.

I just want things to work with a guy for once without my heart having to break. Not to just date for a bit and then decide that it isn't right or not even make it official and fool around till we get tired of each other or even have a great time and assume things will work but timing is way off. I am so sick of being disappointed by guys. I want a man who will be committed to making a real relationship.

Okay now that I have told some really deep truths. The thing that I need to remember is that God is the only one who will never disappoint me. He knows.

“For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ.” – Ephesians 3: 14-18

Self Talk.

On my way home from work today; listening to sweet, sweet country tunes rolling from my radio, just driving for the sake of driving; not really in a hurry to get home; I had some deep thoughts. Just to give background to my deep thought moments and to bare an embarrassing but extremely laughable trait I seem to forget in public; when I have a deep thought that I want to work out, I talk to myself...out loud, with my hands and facial expressions too. Now in a car it's not bad because it most likely just looks like I am talking on a hands-free cell, but on the rare occasion that I am walking around town or as I found out today sitting in my jumpseat on the plane, I will start this "self talk," until it occurs to me people might become curious of my mental health. Not a particular trait I want to be associated with especially in my career. Can you imagine having a crazed flight attendant, caring for your safety in a crash; not a pretty picture. Anyway, me driving home, tunes rollin; a song starts about being too late to capture the princess' heart because the prince didn't cherish her the way she deserved. So this of course starts me thinking about a topic that has set up residency in my brain since I was six years old (I kid you not about begin six when my developing brain noticed that first blue eyed, blonde haired little boy from across the playground and proceeded to chase him in a successful race to catch and kiss him.). Which brought me to a recent discussion with my best friend about how much we are both very sick of men acting stupid, when they're not really that stupid it just feels like they have a fear of...whatever eccentric thoughts cross their minds when they think of relationships. And also how worthy we are of begin pursued but we let ourselves fall for idiots who take us for granted, than get bored, and ultimately leave us feeling mystified about the truth behind their idiosyncratic idea of love. All this in turn took me into thoughts of a future marriage. Intimidating. I have been thinking about it because I am almost 24 and have no significant relationships that would ever be considered worthy of long term. And now I look back on those previous relationships with the male gender and am sorely disappointed with the effort to cherish my heart. All in the same breath I can say I am so grateful they didn’t sweep me off my keester because most of them suck; yes suck, majorly and though their ages range from 20 to 30 they all need to grow up! So now giving serious thought to the type of marriage I want and although I have been taught that marriage is a partnership created by God not just loving another person, I lost sight of that. It’s like begin in the fog in San Francisco where you can kind of see your surroundings and when you find a clear object, you focus on that because it’s easy and less threatening. That’s when the big picture gets tunneled into fear. I think marriage is wonderful; something I have longed for all my life and now it’s something I am willing to wait for because I want someone who will help me with my faith. Not just someone who will love me because I take his breath away but because he wants to seek God with me. Had I ever thought about how it isn’t just about them or the physical attraction, I probably would not have been so eager to be with them or even worked so hard to get their attention. The harsh reality I am coming into contact with over and over is that these guys weren’t interested enough to hold out and work for it. Ouch. Back in college an old friend and I had a song called, “Holding out for the Hero.” Recently he emailed me and ended his email with something similar, he told me to, "hold out for that hero". And as much as that was a reference to our past friendship it was a comment to be patient. Annnd as much as I listen very little, if at all to what this old friend says, it’s from a heart that cares for me and I do want to hold out. Marriage is coming someday, period. That’s it, there doesn’t need to be more analysis or excuses for why I can’t trust God to bring about the thing he knows that I’m longing for the most.

Quirky thoughts.

So I'm sitting in my bed...awake...at 0130. Not happy. I went out to dinner with a friend; which by the way was at the most adorable resturaunt, Ken's Artisan Pizza, highly recommended; and like an idiot had a big cup of coffee. I was thinking that because my coffee drinking habits have never caused jitters before that it wouldn't make a difference to my nerves. Nope...I was so wrong. I had that coffee and then a pot of tea about an hour later at the Pied Cow, and I am still buzzing from it. Arrrrg! Next time I won't be so cocky.

So today I had a random thought about how many people I pay to touch me.

I know it sounds dirty, cross my fingers...it's not. I got my hair cut today, and as I was getting my hair washed it hit me how awkward the situation really was and yet it's very normal. Picture this: Me, in one of those reclining salon chairs, head in the wash bowl and some woman; who I don't know even know the name of; is massaging my head with soap...very odd. And she's not saying a word either. It's not easy to make me feel uncomfortable in those type of situations but the thought of how intimate that act is really got to me. Then I started to think about other instances where people that never introduce themselves touch me in strange ways...(again not meant dirty!). Like when you go to the dentist, that hygenist has her fingers in your mouth. And as weird as this is, I enjoy going to the dentist. I'm not thinking about that it's sanitary or whatever, I know its sanitary. It's just an odd thing to have someone else digging around in my mouth and I am paying them to do so. What is up with that? Oh also when you go to the doctor. Man, when they check your breathing with the sethascope...frickin' brrrr. You know what I mean, I know you do. Also other doctor wanderings, details are just not necessary. But you get the picture, and to think all of these people, we pay, to touch us intimately are just apart of life.

What I see inside

I know this about myself I fall in and out of love easily and when it ends I can get up again with, for the most part minimal bruising. But usually it’s just superficial love, not a real; get dirty, fight for it, kind of love that changes you. Real love breaks us of who we are; than love can grow out of it to make both people stronger in God. If that love is lost you know it, that deep down that something has been misplaced and you can’t love again till you recapture the lost. Until you find that crack of innocent love that broke you of yourself in the beginning, it seems unbearable to try and find that again or even recapture each other’s heart if the door has been closed due to hurt. If you can’t bring that love out of the other person’s heart you’re still different, still changed by who they are. If you have to wait on God’s timing does it lose its luster or can love hold on to what it makes us. Could love strengthen because of time if it feels lost? When my heart continues to hear, “Wait and pray; continue to release your hopes, fears, and nervous impatience’s about him to me. Trust in me,” is that from a selfish wishing heart or real true words from God. When we feel changed by love, I believe that the other person can see that in themselves as well, even if they don’t know what it is yet. That love will bring out a new part of who they’re made to be. We change when we find God so wouldn’t we change when we find the person who is made to give us a glimpse of that deepest love. I’m not sure if love hits us like a hundred ton truck or if it’s slow in an unexpected surprises kind of way. I do know that it just makes sense when you find that person; reason fades because it’s where you are supposed to be and who is supposed to be there with you.

This also goes along in relation with God, when we stumble over ourselves or others something is lost; more innocence’s is captured into the heart of the destroyer, filling open arms becomes empty. We know something is gone. That love, our heart beckons from doesn’t have effect or say in the daily. Sometimes we see evidence of misplace love and want to reconnect with our hearts cry. When we miss a piece of our heart and soul it knows, whether on the surface or deep underneath the anger and pain, it’s there, waiting to be filled with broken abandon.

“More than anything,

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,

You never need to carry more than you can hold,

And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,

I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too.”

My Wish
-By Rascal Flatts-

Much needed vacation.

So I just got back from Hawaii a few days ago. It was perfect timing. I spent from the 22nd to the 2nd working; with one day off; which I was fully aware when I applied that I would be working over the holidays. I didn't expect to work eleven days and actually be away from home. It was a long couple weeks but you know it was worth it to be able to work my ass off to get people home to their loved ones. So anyway much needed vacation time was in the works and I made it happen.

I went to Kaua'i, Hawaii without friends, without family, just me. It was like learning to breath, seeing such a beautiful place for the first time and needing that time with God made it all the more special. I felt a bit nervous going any where by myself, and really unsure of how I was going to get around without a car. On my six hour flight from the mainland I realized that God had made it possible for me to get on a flight to Hawaii, so He is perfectly capable of providing for me while I was away. I was not alone. I spent hours laying in the sun just enjoying being happy again. I also rediscovered my passion for God and how much I am loved by Him even when I fall short.

Here is an excerpt from my journal:

I am rediscovering how loved I am by God. This place has brought a peace that I haven't felt in a while. Just to sit and be in God's beauty is a blessing. To be quiet without all the daily noise of life, soaking it all in. To be alone here has been both scary and freeing. I am capable of doing things like this and loving it as well. I feel like I haven't breathed deeply in a long time and this has brought breath back into my soul.

I also wrote a poem just in the moment of enjoying my freedom:

Quiet Traveler

The waves of my soul dance,

Breath to ease a weary traveler.

When quiet rages a calm encounters peace.

To listen with a full heart,

Hear this voice so sweetly call,

Keep chasing that sky,

so deeply set,

Watch breezes move on tiptoe,

enclosed by arms open wide.

(1/6/2009)

It was a spetacular time to reconnect with my thoughts and God. God provided to fullness of His promises.

Being enough...

I have spent the last couple weeks struggling through much disappoinment and far too many thoughts to sort out. But you know during all this stuff the one thing that I could depend on was God. He is trying to show me that he is enough and will always be enough. He is enough. That is a statement that I can't seem to get my head wrapped around. To see Him for all He is and to trust that everything comes back to Him. Not my family, not romance, not my friends, and certainly not my job. I have yet to see my full brokenness in this situation and am scared to face it for fear I may not get back up. Nobody wants to go through the awkwardness of life or the disappointment that comes with it at the time. And yet we must all fall before our King and be broken before we can be healed and stand again. My walk with Jesus has been anything but ordinary, and far from comfortable. And in the last couple weeks it has been uncomfortable and some interesting frustrations along with it.

And you know what God is always enough, the deepth of His love for me is beyond the romancing of this earth. Just thoughts for a world that is hurting...