Un.tied Beauty

Sigh.

I have come to a place in my life where I am no longer working for some kind of event. It is very boring. I feel frustrated with myself that I continue to hit walls as far as finding some kind of direction. God has been faithful to my hearts desires and to things I couldn't fix without him. I have spent many years struggling with rejection, which God has been faithful to continually heal. I realized recently that it is still a deep set fear of mine. It doesn't control me, it helps me be brave. But this rejection has been keeping me from pursuing a set-apart life; just in case it doesn't work out. Which is unrealistic because God has never led me to something that has failed. When I failed it was because I didn't listen or follow His lead. Also as I have watched many, many friends and family go into the world to be missionaries and they have succeeded because God lead and they were brave. Yes, going away from all the "comforts" of life; particularly family and friends; is scary and it's a risk but when has faith ever been easy and comfortable?! I honestly could leave everything I have, all worldly possessions, my family and friends if a door opened to serve...honest. I have spent the last few weeks thinking it over and the truth is I am empty when I'm not serving others; especially when its mission work. I am blessed with a job that allows me to serve people in many ways, don't get me wrong it is fulfilling. Yet it's not what my hearts passion is seeking. I want more, more experience, more joyful praise...more of God.

I know that I continue to struggle to hear Him over my own choices. The good thing is that nobody's perfect and God still loves me in spite of that. I hope that God continues to guide my life in a more concrete way and soon. Until then I will find my way back to Him because my backsliding is causing doubts that I know aren't real. It's causing depression that I really don't want to revisit. I am also praying for something to give up for Lent, I really think giving something up will draw me closer to God and who I am in Him. In fact I know it will because it will cause me to seek God...maybe out of boredom...or guilt...or curiosity, whatever the case it will draw me to the heart of God which is what I am desiring the most.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."
Jeremiah 29:11-13