40 days.

So I have decided that for lent I am giving up alcohol. I had an interesting experience with drinking a little bit ago and I embarrassed myself to the point that I feel like giving up alcohol would be a good choice. It has never been a big part of my life but I do go out for drinks probably once a week with friends so we'll see how this goes.

3.4.09
I started writing this at the beginning of lent and it has been a week since I gave alcohol up. I never realized that it would be hard not to drink when I go out for dinner or out with friends. It makes me see that it is apart of my life more than I thought. I don't have an addictive personality or alcoholism in my family...I think, so no worries that it would affect me in that way. When I was little I used to say that I wouldn't drink anything even after 21; that changed when I actually did turn 21. But that isn't a big deal in any way, I just see now how much I like it.

What's to come?!

I feel free. Free from living bound to the idea that I won't be fully happy till I find someone to marry. I am so done being unhappy without a man. Even if it's a deep desire it doesn't ever compare to what I can do with God. If I can't express my whole self with any guy and he doesn't want to share his world with me but I can with God every time then I need to learn to choose God. I want to go on some crazy, life-altering, blessed, adventures with God's leading in mind! Its okay that I am in a time of waiting because it gives me time to strengthen my faith and heart. I will be a light to the world that God has created for me now, not tomorrow. I have been blessed with a life set-apart; which I forgot so easily because I didn't think I had answers. I don't need answers I just need to trust. I am going to jump back into life with both feet. Maybe my last words but I guess that's the only way we really live and figure out what God's adventure is.

Un.tied Beauty

Sigh.

I have come to a place in my life where I am no longer working for some kind of event. It is very boring. I feel frustrated with myself that I continue to hit walls as far as finding some kind of direction. God has been faithful to my hearts desires and to things I couldn't fix without him. I have spent many years struggling with rejection, which God has been faithful to continually heal. I realized recently that it is still a deep set fear of mine. It doesn't control me, it helps me be brave. But this rejection has been keeping me from pursuing a set-apart life; just in case it doesn't work out. Which is unrealistic because God has never led me to something that has failed. When I failed it was because I didn't listen or follow His lead. Also as I have watched many, many friends and family go into the world to be missionaries and they have succeeded because God lead and they were brave. Yes, going away from all the "comforts" of life; particularly family and friends; is scary and it's a risk but when has faith ever been easy and comfortable?! I honestly could leave everything I have, all worldly possessions, my family and friends if a door opened to serve...honest. I have spent the last few weeks thinking it over and the truth is I am empty when I'm not serving others; especially when its mission work. I am blessed with a job that allows me to serve people in many ways, don't get me wrong it is fulfilling. Yet it's not what my hearts passion is seeking. I want more, more experience, more joyful praise...more of God.

I know that I continue to struggle to hear Him over my own choices. The good thing is that nobody's perfect and God still loves me in spite of that. I hope that God continues to guide my life in a more concrete way and soon. Until then I will find my way back to Him because my backsliding is causing doubts that I know aren't real. It's causing depression that I really don't want to revisit. I am also praying for something to give up for Lent, I really think giving something up will draw me closer to God and who I am in Him. In fact I know it will because it will cause me to seek God...maybe out of boredom...or guilt...or curiosity, whatever the case it will draw me to the heart of God which is what I am desiring the most.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."
Jeremiah 29:11-13

Heart on My Sleeve Day...

Today...yeah.

Supposed to be a day of love and sharing with someone "special," or if you are me and most of my friends it’s "Single Awareness Day". Sounds depressing, and rightfully so with all the hype to be with someone for today to be special at all. Well so what, why do we need someone to make today good?! Sure I would be lying if I said I didn't want to celebrate it with a guy. And even then I don't want to share it with just some guy, I honestly would like to save it for the guy I will spend my life with. It just seems wasted if it's with a temporary guy particularly since the memories you make with that person might taint the day for a later guy. I don't want to taint such an awesome day. Not that it's awesome yet. Bummer.

The truth is, I wish that I had a sign of affection from a guy, telling me that he is thinking about me.

Someday.

Until that day I do know I am loved. And sometimes that is enough. Just to know that no matter what I do, my family loves me unconditionally. And even more so God loves me more than any guy ever could. It's something I must continue to hold on to. And to trust that God is preparing a life set apart for me and a wonderful guy. I really am ready to change the world for God and do that with my whole heart committed to Him. And have a man walking beside me, helping, praying, leading, and willing to go on God's adventure set apart for us.

God has His perfect timing, which He has already showed to me more than expected in the last couple years. Last summer I was so tapped into God's heart and just knew without question that I needed to "wait and pray" for His timing. I felt so sure of everything and it unfolded better than I thought. Now I'm not so sure anymore. I have no idea what I am supposed to do from this point with my life. I want to hold out for more answers especially where guys are concerned but I am done waiting for that day. I know who I want and why although he has given no reason for me to hold out; I know I want to try.

I just want things to work with a guy for once without my heart having to break. Not to just date for a bit and then decide that it isn't right or not even make it official and fool around till we get tired of each other or even have a great time and assume things will work but timing is way off. I am so sick of being disappointed by guys. I want a man who will be committed to making a real relationship.

Okay now that I have told some really deep truths. The thing that I need to remember is that God is the only one who will never disappoint me. He knows.

“For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ.” – Ephesians 3: 14-18