Coming home again!

As I've mentioned before I got thanksgiving off, which is great because I didn't get Christmas off for the first time in my life. My bro doesn't get to be home for thanksgiving which is a bummer but since he hasn't been home for thanksgiving in 5 years I guess I am used to not seeing him across the table. Sad huh?! Whatever its his choice to not be home, guess we just have to deal. Anyway my Thanksgiving was fanfreakintastic! My mom's childhood best friend came from Montana and brought her husband their son and one of their daughter's and her boyfriend. It was the smallest thanksgiving that I have had in I don't know how many years, but it was also the best.

I was able to get off work earlier than planned so I flew into Spokane on Wednesday night and got to my parents just about the time our friends got there. We had an amazing time just hanging out talking. Besides fixing the meal we just sat in my parents living room with a crackling fire going, drinking teas and other assorted festive drinks and remaniced about being younger. During dinner my mum had us each say four things we were thankful for and than for our fifth thing we had to come up with a game that we could add for a competition. Let me tell you we are a goofy group, not easy to keep one conversation going. We ended up taking forever with our thankful things not because they were all emotional and stuff we went on so many tangents it became comical to get back to the point. Our games were even funnier because it was all on the spot and we just kinda said whatever we could think of that was the silliest. Examples of our competition games were thumb wars, states guessing, and baby spitting; no idea but it was a game where we made moter boat sounds for as long as we could. Anyway it turned into one of the best Thanksgivings I have ever had.

(Ps. I know the date says it before Thanksgiving actually happened, I started it before Thanksgiving. That's all)

How I've changed during my first year in Portland.

One year. It’s been a whole year since I moved to Portland, Oregon. A year ago today my dad and I were driving across Washington and Oregon in a U-haul to my new life. I remember we had to return the U-haul to some used clothing store and then find a way back to my apartment, since that was our only way to get around. Thank God for Portland’s amazing transit system or we’d still be walking to my apartment.


I remember before I had even moved here my first experience in Portland since camp, it was a very wet and unhappy one. My previous experience with Portland consisted of being downtown at the REI or at Rock Bottom Brewery with people who knew the city which was amazing. So when I visited a couple weeks before I actually moved, I was in the Hollywood District staying at a friend’s apt and so far off where I knew anything. The reasons I came over were to go to a Horizon interview and also to find a place to live. I had to figure out a way to get around Portland because my friend worked. Which was fine until…I got to the airport and found out that the interview was not in the airport it was on the other side of the runways on a back road, far away from public transit. I had made sure I had enough time to get from my friend’s to the airport and then find the interview room, but I didn’t plan on having to take a taxi from the airport to the operations center. So sadly I missed that interview. But we all know how that story turned out and it was much better to wait till I was settled and then go to the interview anyway.

After missing the interview I went back to my friend’s apt and started my journey to finding an apartment. It was not a pretty adventure to say the least, back then I didn’t know how much it rained here or that there are a lot of double streets (i.e. Burnside St. and Burnside Ave). So picture this, me in nice interview clothes and high heels, the weather outside…well let’s just say it’s was the wettest day in Portland’s history; at least from my new Portlander eyes it was; and I am taking public transit to a place in NE where I have never been, in a city I don’t know anything about. Needless to say I got so very lost in an area that wasn’t even close to where I was trying to go, walking around in heels in a torrential downpour. I walked around for maybe 45 minutes in a random residential area and finally gave up a found a bus stop hoping that it would take me back to downtown so I could get back to my friend’s. It was not a happy day but now I look back and laugh because I should have known not to wear what I did and to ask for help. To this day I still have no idea where I ended up, even though I have tried to back track my steps to see how far off I really was.

I remember trying to get around Portland for the first couple months and just being so confused about where I was most of the time; which is hard to do because, not to brag, I am really good with finding my way once I have seen a place one time (photographic memory). I remember taking the MAX to work every day and being a little scared of strangers on the MAX stealing my purse or me. Haha, I can laugh at that now because it's not even anything I think about when I randomly take the MAX. It's normal. Although now I have a car and have no real need for taking the MAX when I do it's a great resource to save gas…not time, haha. I can pretty much find anything even if I miss a street or two I can still get to where I want by taking a different way then was planned. I love being able to get myself around without getting lost and being able to give directions when asked and to know where it is. After a year I can say that I am a true Portlander/Oregonian.

So much has happened in the last year. Looking back I can’t even believe how much has happened. Whether good or bad here it is:

• Discovering how much I love God!
• Getting an interview with Horizon and then making it through the 8 hour interview.
• Getting the call that I’d been hired as a flight attendant. (Nov. 29th, 2007)
• Finding out I can’t pee on command…drug test for Horizon. (See myspace story: “Pee in a cup?!”)
• Surviving flight attendant school; even when I had the flu with a 101 temp.
• Getting a 96% average in FA school; best day ever; “hey mom I realized something, I’m smart!”
• Working the holidays at Macy’s.
• Buying my first car.
• Losing my roommate after two months…grrrr.
• Zack; both wonderful and very awful.
• Finding PDX4 (Portland Foursquare Church).
• Living alone for five months:`(
• Discovering who my true friends are.
• Falling in love with my job.
• Getting my first great comment card.
• Meeting Sara and becoming roommates.
• Over nights in some pretty sweet cities.
• Discovering how much I love to fly.
• Having hair extensions.
• Not being sure I was meant to be in Portland after all the hurt happened.
• Finally making genuine friends at chruch.
• Trip to La Paz and Cabo with my parents.
•Trip to San Diego with Shawna so we could go to Sea World! (sea world, sea world, sea world, lalalalala)
• Redemption with an awesome friend!
•Many trips to Spokane just because I can.
• Trip to Whistler with my mom.
• Joining my churches worship team.
• Becoming a part of a church as an adult, all on my own.
• Making new amazing friends!!
• Finding out more about who I am and what God wants me to do.

It is even more interesting to see how I’ve changed:

• I am more focused on where God is taking me than ever before.
• I found a passion inside of me that I didn’t know I had.
• I learned how to be a responsible adult and also still be my goofy self.
• I am continually learning how to be great at customer service.
• I have become more of an introvert than ever before.
• I love being outside more and more.
• I know how I should be treated by a man and also what is unacceptable.
• I gave up my addiction to TV and am so much better for doing so.
• All I ever want to talk about is God and what he is doing.
• I am learning how to cook more than just spaghetti and salads.
• Reading has become a favorite hobby of mine.
• I am more of a morning person than…well anybody ever thought I could be. I can now get up at 3am without three alarm clocks for work on a regular basis.
• I never miss a day of work unless deathly ill.
• I try really hard to be on time to everything. I’m still working on that one.
• I love going to church, not for friends; although they are a bonus; I go to discover more about God.
• I figured out I am not like who I thought I was and who I was trying to be.
• My strange affection for airports has grown a lot over the year and now I don’t even mind getting stuck in them for hours on end.
• I am not defined by who I was in college or high school.
• As the year has gone on I have realized that I have no desire to act immature.
• I have usually always known what I want but now I am continually seeking what God wants.
• Most of the time I can confidently vocalize my opinion.
• Working out is one of my newest hobbies
• I don’t mind being odd or a bit awkward.
• God has been teaching me that being myself is more important than hiding behind other things that don’t matter.
• More uncertain about my future than ever before; and that scares me to death.

That is all I can think of, but for now that is quite the list anyway. As many things as I listed is about as much as I have changed if not more. I haven’t changed that much on the outside, its more on the inside. It has been a crazy year filled with outstanding achievements, extreme happiness, really devastating heartbreak, life changing moments with God and some really hilarious stories. I am so grateful that God has been with me the whole time because at many points I have felt like maybe I made a mistake moving to Portland, but now I know God placed me exactly where I am supposed to be.

Why are you looking for love? Why are you still searching? As if I'm not enough?
Here at my side wherever you fall In the dead of night whenever you call Please don't fight these hands that are holding you My hands are holding you And I, I love you And I want you to know That I, I'll love you.
-Tenth Avenue North (By Your Side)

Stretching for God’s adventure.

Well my friends another week in our lives has gone by, what did you do that made you happy?

I spent time with my best friends.

God opened a door for me to sing on my churches worship team.

I spent time singing and dancing with God for a quiet time.

I hung up Christmas lights around my home.

I prayed a lot.

I talked with my mom.

I wrestled with a friend and then we laughed till we cried.

What did you do, that can still bring a smile to your face a couple days later? Or an even better question, what did you do to make God happy? I don't know about you but that is a much hard question for me to answer honestly. But much more I want to make God smile at what his precious Chelsea did, then to smile at what made me happy. I guess what I do to bring him joy ultimately does brings me happiness. Anyway that's my deep way of entering into this journal.

My week has been so much better than last week and the week before. I have been struggling with the possibility of going to Romania and whether it is where God wants me to go soon. As I mentioned in my previous journal I didn't get the vacation needed to go when I thought God was leading...March. I got vacation in May, which does work for a different mission trip to Romania but now I feel like maybe God doesn't want me to go at all. I am still praying through that and am sure I will be for a while.

Recently I've gotten some doors; metaphorical of course; gently but firmly shut for me, at this time I don't want to share what those are as they affect others too. But anyway one of those doors was going to help financially with Romania and now that's gone. Not to say that God can't provide; I just feel like maybe it's God's way of saying it's not time for me to go. I have also been talking with some amazing friends who have good incite that I hadn't previously seen. Well one of my friends said to me when I admitted my stress, that it sounded like God was stretching and testing me more than I had expected. Boy howdy is that true and doesn't even begin to describe how God is moving in my life. I didn't even realize that's what could be going on. What I do know is that I am in a place where I don't know how God is stretching me and I have yet to even put names to the things I can see, which is fine…I will just work on my blind faith. Although, praises to God because He has already shown me one way to stretch myself: conquering my fear of singing with a mic in front of people, who I honestly have yet to trust. The courage I know I am gaining from God through every experience is for a reason.

The other thing that has recently come to light is that I need to keep my eyes and ears open to what is happening around me as a result of these shut doors. My pride would have me say, "well…I'm a great listener!" But in the back of my head is another voice saying, "Ahem, Chels that may be true in some areas. What about when it comes to me and you, my love?" Well hello, knock me off my feet will ya. I will gladly have my pride cracked in two for that voice. I am grateful for that little voice, which is constant. It brings me to humility and I want to be a better listener if it's the lover of my soul seeking me. I know I didn't mention keeping my eyes open, one because I know I am bad at it and two because I like to trip over God's unexpected blessings.

Besides that, the rain here has been getting me down a bit. I have to say SAD does affect me greatly when the weather stays dark for long periods of time. I get into a hermit mode and can be kind of Ms. Grumpy Pants. And yet surprise, surprise God blessed Portland with two gorgeous days of sun. I woke up this morning and did a happy dance in bed because it was such a beautiful thing to see sun beams coming through my curtains. I did not waste a moment of my day in my apartment as long as that sun was shining! Also did I mention that I actually got thanksgiving off from work; which for you who don't know the ins and outs of my job is unheard of. There are a lot of flight attendants and I have 14 of those people under me in seniority. SO that equates to me working all major holidays because no one wants to miss those days with their families. Although I did get Fourth of July off, which is in fact my favorite holiday so maybe I just get lucky. All that to say, I am so excited to be able to spend thanksgiving with my parents and not with some random crew in a strange city. Not that that wouldn't be a fun experience but I would rather spend it at home.

I believe that is all I want to share this time around. Have a cheerful week my friends. Enjoy each other, go out on sunshiny days, and laugh a lot.

"It's a voice that whispers my name
It's a kiss without any shame
Something beautiful
Like a song that stirs in my head
Singing love will take us where
Something's beautiful"

– Newsboys (Something Beautiful)

Lost in these deep city lights.

I am sitting in my hotel room in Kelowna, BC...I just woke up from a four hour nap...mmmm beautiful! It has been a strange couple weeks in my world, not bad but not pleasant either. How does one describe how they feel after a stressful week? When there are so many emotions inside that it's hard to pin just one down, what can you say to questions like, how are you?! A generalized statement might be I'm ok or I'm fine. But of course that opens up doors to asking why and then it's a choice to share or not. You know what, I hate feeling this way. I don't want to feel like a Debbie downer. I am usually genuinely a joyful person and it's because I have a God who loves me even in my difficult moments. Work was by far the worst it has been since I started. Also I haven't seen my two Oregon best friends in a long time; generally I see them at least three to five times a week. Not this last week though and that is because of schedules and whatnot, which of course I understand. It helps to be able to just see them, pray, and just talk about life.

I think something else that made me feel off is that my mom was away for the last week and a half. For the last year or so she and I have talked on a daily basis, praying, laughing, and sharing what's going on for the day. Nothing major but it was still hard to have that week and a half only being able to speak in e.mails. I am so glad my mom got to go to Norway; she went for YWAM Creative Arts and taught dance/sacred movement. From the stories she tells, the students at the dts were really open to all she had to teach, and participated whole heartedly with God’s movement through the week. I am just so happy that she had opportunity to go to Norway and see that beautiful place, sigh. I am grateful she is home safely though. Maybe next time it can be a family trip…my brother claimed that they should have invited the whole family because we know how to put the "pretty" in interpretive. Haha I love my brothers genuine whit.

In other news I got my vacation back and got two weeks off in May; I felt and still do feel like God is leading me to go at the end of March for a lot of reasons. I’m unsure how to proceed with applying now that I have the vacation back. This is what I do know God asks us to trust in his timing and his perfect will for us and that is what I want. I know he is more than able to provide many ways for me to go to Romania in March. I am committed to Him and His promise. And I will continue to fall into God’s capable arms, seeking only His face. With all that I am I desire to mimic God’s heart and follow his whispers. How does one hold on to that when things get blurred? I sure have no idea, but if I don’t hold onto Him and lay it all down at His throne I will get so lost. I read a couple quotes that have helped bring some clarity…“To fear nothing but the loss of you [God], and to cast all our cares on you who cares for us.” And, “With God, we will pursue His dreams for my life.” Those are some truly brilliant words that bring me peace when I feel frazzled about direction.

“Find rest, O my soul, in God alone, my hope comes from you. He alone is my Rock and my Salvation; He is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God. Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your heart to Him, for God is our refuge.” Psalm 62: 5-8 (emphasis added)

And in other random news, I spent last Tuesday sitting on call at the airport, nothing special to write about except that I got to spend the whole day in God’s word and it was amazing. I think is worth sharing some of the profound revelations that I discovered while God and I spent time together. Since about late July I have had some amazing time in prayer and watched how loving Him through committed prayer has blessed my life. A couple weeks ago I felt like I hit a wall with prayer and felt like I was being led to discover a deeper knowledge about how to pray with my whole being. For those of you who know my parents, you know how dynamic their relationship with God is in their marriage and as individuals. Also like I said earlier I talk with them on a daily basis, so they knew that I was working through discovering a deeper prayer life and continually asked how it was going. So when I hit this bump and felt confused about how to continue I brought it to them for prayer and asked if they had any reading they could recommend or advice from their own walks.

My dad said he would send me some articles and book chapters that had helped him. I am usually a little skeptical of what my dad sends because in the past he has sent me things that were more scholarly than just reading from someone who has written from personal experience and has humbled their opinion to that of God’s will. I don’t enjoy the scholarly beatings these authors write about, mostly because I had enough of that when I was in college. Also because I find faith and relation with God is not about the logistics of how it’s best done but how we have experienced His presence and sought His heart to the best of our own abilities, not through books. So anyway I was skeptical when my dad said he would send me stuff. But at the same time I am open to hearing and learning how his faith has grown.

The articles he sent me were vibrant and personal, not something that felt like it was a 'logistical-high horse stance'. Maybe it was more dynamic because I am growing in my faith immensely or just growing up in general that I can understand in a mature manner. The first piece my dad sent was from Agnus Sanford, who wrote about prayer and apparently her books are still to this day number one sellers. This particular chapter was on the four steps of prayer, as she saw them to be. In college I used to be such a “steps” type person so this perked my interest, although now that I am older and have discovered more about who I am, I find that I don’t need “steps” or instructions in ordered form to discover my King. If steps is how I find my way than so be it and if I go out of order and still find God's will, well that's okay too.

[That just brought to mind a sweet metaphor of drawing near to God. To take our faith in stride as it comes, not to seek worries that so often creep up in my heart. To step to a rhythm that is chooses to love God’s heart and following His lead.]

I am such a tangent monger…be patient with me; I will get to my points eventually.

Agnus basically challenges her readers to test their faith through direct and honest prayer. The way she words it makes it sound like she is telling you to test God but after reading over it a couple times and seeking verses that helped me comprehend, I saw that we do need to be more trusting and very direct with each prayer. So why not test my faith in prayer? She recommended that we pray a small tangible prayer to start with so that we can see if it fails or succeeds. It makes me so uncomfortable to request tangible things from God. I struggle with this for this reason, I don’t believe I deserve to ask for anything because I already have so much and there are so many in need in the world. So that is something I am working on. Also she encouraged what we already know…to pray for God’s will. And of course it is sometimes hard to pray God’s will when we have no idea what it is. She had this to say when we are lost and don't know what to pray, “God’s will is written into His nature and the nature of God is love. Therefore, when we pray in accordance with the law of love, we are praying in accordance with the will of God.” I'm still trying to grasp the enormity of that statement.

The second article was even more profound than the first. The author wrote about sincere prayer that moves mountains. He says, “Pray as if you won’t live beyond the end your prayer. We do not know if we will live beyond our current moment.” Ummm, I tried it and what a connected, honest, deep way to seek God. I am not a cryer usually and I enter into such a deep sanctuary that I couldn't hold back the tears that flowed from my prayers. I doubt that people think about every moment possibly being their last, even though as Christian’s we are constantly told that we should live every moment as if God were coming back. Just think about it...whether you are a believer or not, it's a big thought.

[I am currently watching the elections; Obama is the 44th president of America. Wow what a huge day for our country. I watched a live feed of Kenyan’s from Obama’s hometown dancing for joy. It brought tears to my eyes to see the freedom they now can feel in our even more equal country. Yes it is sad that one must lose but for losing McCain took it with honor and to take a stand behind Obama is real humility. It’s true that they differ on issues but that he would call for unity is awesome. We are seeing history and are a part of that history…our first African American President, Barack Obama! What a presidential speech…I have chills. Our hope is renewed!!!]

Well anyway, I have been sitting here for about 2 and a half hours now and I believe my bum has gone numb…I need to move. I will continue to write more in the future, whether random or meaningful it is going to be good, I hope.