Lost in these deep city lights.

I am sitting in my hotel room in Kelowna, BC...I just woke up from a four hour nap...mmmm beautiful! It has been a strange couple weeks in my world, not bad but not pleasant either. How does one describe how they feel after a stressful week? When there are so many emotions inside that it's hard to pin just one down, what can you say to questions like, how are you?! A generalized statement might be I'm ok or I'm fine. But of course that opens up doors to asking why and then it's a choice to share or not. You know what, I hate feeling this way. I don't want to feel like a Debbie downer. I am usually genuinely a joyful person and it's because I have a God who loves me even in my difficult moments. Work was by far the worst it has been since I started. Also I haven't seen my two Oregon best friends in a long time; generally I see them at least three to five times a week. Not this last week though and that is because of schedules and whatnot, which of course I understand. It helps to be able to just see them, pray, and just talk about life.

I think something else that made me feel off is that my mom was away for the last week and a half. For the last year or so she and I have talked on a daily basis, praying, laughing, and sharing what's going on for the day. Nothing major but it was still hard to have that week and a half only being able to speak in e.mails. I am so glad my mom got to go to Norway; she went for YWAM Creative Arts and taught dance/sacred movement. From the stories she tells, the students at the dts were really open to all she had to teach, and participated whole heartedly with God’s movement through the week. I am just so happy that she had opportunity to go to Norway and see that beautiful place, sigh. I am grateful she is home safely though. Maybe next time it can be a family trip…my brother claimed that they should have invited the whole family because we know how to put the "pretty" in interpretive. Haha I love my brothers genuine whit.

In other news I got my vacation back and got two weeks off in May; I felt and still do feel like God is leading me to go at the end of March for a lot of reasons. I’m unsure how to proceed with applying now that I have the vacation back. This is what I do know God asks us to trust in his timing and his perfect will for us and that is what I want. I know he is more than able to provide many ways for me to go to Romania in March. I am committed to Him and His promise. And I will continue to fall into God’s capable arms, seeking only His face. With all that I am I desire to mimic God’s heart and follow his whispers. How does one hold on to that when things get blurred? I sure have no idea, but if I don’t hold onto Him and lay it all down at His throne I will get so lost. I read a couple quotes that have helped bring some clarity…“To fear nothing but the loss of you [God], and to cast all our cares on you who cares for us.” And, “With God, we will pursue His dreams for my life.” Those are some truly brilliant words that bring me peace when I feel frazzled about direction.

“Find rest, O my soul, in God alone, my hope comes from you. He alone is my Rock and my Salvation; He is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God. Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your heart to Him, for God is our refuge.” Psalm 62: 5-8 (emphasis added)

And in other random news, I spent last Tuesday sitting on call at the airport, nothing special to write about except that I got to spend the whole day in God’s word and it was amazing. I think is worth sharing some of the profound revelations that I discovered while God and I spent time together. Since about late July I have had some amazing time in prayer and watched how loving Him through committed prayer has blessed my life. A couple weeks ago I felt like I hit a wall with prayer and felt like I was being led to discover a deeper knowledge about how to pray with my whole being. For those of you who know my parents, you know how dynamic their relationship with God is in their marriage and as individuals. Also like I said earlier I talk with them on a daily basis, so they knew that I was working through discovering a deeper prayer life and continually asked how it was going. So when I hit this bump and felt confused about how to continue I brought it to them for prayer and asked if they had any reading they could recommend or advice from their own walks.

My dad said he would send me some articles and book chapters that had helped him. I am usually a little skeptical of what my dad sends because in the past he has sent me things that were more scholarly than just reading from someone who has written from personal experience and has humbled their opinion to that of God’s will. I don’t enjoy the scholarly beatings these authors write about, mostly because I had enough of that when I was in college. Also because I find faith and relation with God is not about the logistics of how it’s best done but how we have experienced His presence and sought His heart to the best of our own abilities, not through books. So anyway I was skeptical when my dad said he would send me stuff. But at the same time I am open to hearing and learning how his faith has grown.

The articles he sent me were vibrant and personal, not something that felt like it was a 'logistical-high horse stance'. Maybe it was more dynamic because I am growing in my faith immensely or just growing up in general that I can understand in a mature manner. The first piece my dad sent was from Agnus Sanford, who wrote about prayer and apparently her books are still to this day number one sellers. This particular chapter was on the four steps of prayer, as she saw them to be. In college I used to be such a “steps” type person so this perked my interest, although now that I am older and have discovered more about who I am, I find that I don’t need “steps” or instructions in ordered form to discover my King. If steps is how I find my way than so be it and if I go out of order and still find God's will, well that's okay too.

[That just brought to mind a sweet metaphor of drawing near to God. To take our faith in stride as it comes, not to seek worries that so often creep up in my heart. To step to a rhythm that is chooses to love God’s heart and following His lead.]

I am such a tangent monger…be patient with me; I will get to my points eventually.

Agnus basically challenges her readers to test their faith through direct and honest prayer. The way she words it makes it sound like she is telling you to test God but after reading over it a couple times and seeking verses that helped me comprehend, I saw that we do need to be more trusting and very direct with each prayer. So why not test my faith in prayer? She recommended that we pray a small tangible prayer to start with so that we can see if it fails or succeeds. It makes me so uncomfortable to request tangible things from God. I struggle with this for this reason, I don’t believe I deserve to ask for anything because I already have so much and there are so many in need in the world. So that is something I am working on. Also she encouraged what we already know…to pray for God’s will. And of course it is sometimes hard to pray God’s will when we have no idea what it is. She had this to say when we are lost and don't know what to pray, “God’s will is written into His nature and the nature of God is love. Therefore, when we pray in accordance with the law of love, we are praying in accordance with the will of God.” I'm still trying to grasp the enormity of that statement.

The second article was even more profound than the first. The author wrote about sincere prayer that moves mountains. He says, “Pray as if you won’t live beyond the end your prayer. We do not know if we will live beyond our current moment.” Ummm, I tried it and what a connected, honest, deep way to seek God. I am not a cryer usually and I enter into such a deep sanctuary that I couldn't hold back the tears that flowed from my prayers. I doubt that people think about every moment possibly being their last, even though as Christian’s we are constantly told that we should live every moment as if God were coming back. Just think about it...whether you are a believer or not, it's a big thought.

[I am currently watching the elections; Obama is the 44th president of America. Wow what a huge day for our country. I watched a live feed of Kenyan’s from Obama’s hometown dancing for joy. It brought tears to my eyes to see the freedom they now can feel in our even more equal country. Yes it is sad that one must lose but for losing McCain took it with honor and to take a stand behind Obama is real humility. It’s true that they differ on issues but that he would call for unity is awesome. We are seeing history and are a part of that history…our first African American President, Barack Obama! What a presidential speech…I have chills. Our hope is renewed!!!]

Well anyway, I have been sitting here for about 2 and a half hours now and I believe my bum has gone numb…I need to move. I will continue to write more in the future, whether random or meaningful it is going to be good, I hope.