Just like falling in love

In less than thirty minutes I will be 24; that is a strange thought. Me 24 really, where did the time go? I can't even believe how fast my life is going. I think back to last year and life was VERY different and kind of sad. I was alone in a lot of ways. And then life hit a block and God pursued my heart and helped me stand again. He has been faithful to my hurt being healed and brought people into my world that are better than expected.

I have been to hell and back in my life time but through it all coming back to God and letting him take control has made life joyful every time. From the pits of my own disparaging pity parties to falling without a net God has been holding, carrying, crying, and wishing for me...me? How am I even worthy of all of his love? And now, a joyful blanket of endless possibilities has surrounded my life because I choose again to give my life to God every day. I have a life that is certainly not perfect; it’s messy with real emotions.

A couple weeks ago I made the choice to not wallow in my depression and take more time to rely on God. I was really lonely, like dark hole lonely. I let my feelings get in the way of life; living because I am waiting for something to happen is not the way to trust God’s timing. I got lost not only because I allowed myself to lose sight of God, I depended on human love to get me through. God heard my prayers and saw my tears and brought an unexpected wonderful friend into my world. Unexpected, perfect timing, faithful God. At times I forget God and my history, and how he continues to show me he is faithful to my heart’s desire. He truly knows me better then I know myself. I didn’t even realize that I needed a friend as badly as I did, and through a strange experience he provided someone to shine God’s love back into my life.

So on a random note, way back in November an opening in a friend’s house came up and I had the chance to move. Well that fell through big time. Disappointing…yes?! But the whole time my friend and I were talking about it I kept getting this feeling in my gut that it wasn’t the right time; I was supposed to “wait and pray”…where have I heard that before?! *can you feel me rolling my eyes* Anyway it was a huge bummer because I had built it up to be this great new adventure and didn’t really listen when God put up road blocks. Well apparently I was waiting for this new friend to come along. And since our friendship started we have been seriously talking about putting together a house with a bunch of women. We went and looked at a house two days ago in Lake O and loved it. It’s humble but nice enough to call a home. It feels like everything is falling into place, once again the way God has planned it since I moved to Portland. It is a bittersweet thing to think about moving. I love my apartment, it has been my home for over a year and I have been through a lot already in these four walls. But when it’s time to follow and let go, it’s best to let God lead. If this does happen then it will happen fast, like end of the month fast. Which means I have to pack up my full apartment into another u-haul and drive it across town and unpack again…it’s like being in college. Packing was and always will be my least favorite part of my college experience. All this to say that life changes in a moment when you need it the most and when God asks us to trust; which is technically always but it feels particularly pertinent in moments such as this.

Oh and on another random note…I am falling in love with Portland again. I am rediscovering why I first loved this place, and all the little quirks that make it home. I can’t imagine my life could be spent in a more beautiful place. I love that it’s my home, that I know where to go and how I can help new people find places as well. I love that I can go 20 minutes out of town and be in some amazing hiking areas or drive two hours to the beach if I want a different scene. I love that people are who they are and we accept each other as we come no matter how weird that may be. “Oh, that’s just Portland.” I love that one night I can dress up for a nice dinner, the next night I can find an awesome music scene and the next night find a sweet overlook of the city to chill at with friend. I know you can find those in every city but if you are from Portland you get the uniqueness this city brings to each of those activities.